Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
