i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
