Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
