They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
