My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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