Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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