Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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