just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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