Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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