Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
