I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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