I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
