I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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