I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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