I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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