remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize