1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
