how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
