so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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