sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
