this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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