shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
