I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
