I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You're like the curious george of whores
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
