K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
