literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
