my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
