Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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