Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
