my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize