I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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