I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
