Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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