Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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