We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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