the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize