i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
