On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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