just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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