I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hippo gnu deer
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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