I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
