Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
