Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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