Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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