Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
