Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
