I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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