I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
