the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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