there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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