She is in my trunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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