Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
