I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
