Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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