Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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