thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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